Jumbo my little Wart Hogs

Well today was our last Safari day. Our ever faithful Jackson came in to wake us up at 6.00 complete with hot chocolate and cookies and we were back in the jeep at 6.30. Isaac had packed a ‘special’ breakfast for us to eat whilst we were out as we needed to be back at the hotel by 11.30 as we were having an early lunch and then off to the airport!

Today we were in search of the Leopard – any leopard would do and so far it had managed to elude us…today was no different! We drove for miles and hours and still no leopard. We did however find quite a dead looking buffalo and the hyena’s were busy munching on it. The Lions kill it and have first pickings and then when they are full up – it’s a free for all. 4 Hyenas were sucking it’s brains out and dismembering it’s spine by the time we got there. There was no body…… nor legs – just the head and spine. The other Hyenas in the area had noticeably already had their feast as they were basking in mud pools (left from the rains) quite content to look on. – fortunately oblivious to us. Obviously a picture opportunity!!

Still on the trail of the lonesome Leopard we stumbled across another carcass, this one being about 3 hours old. The vultures circling above kind of gave the game away. Another photo opportunity – but this one was an antelope type animal….difficult to be exact considering it has no skin, flesh or belly. What was left were the horns, the head – more like a skull really and the skeleton. It still had it’s arms and legs attached but it was all skeleton/bones – all the flesh had been sucked off. The smell of it was like rancid meat (not that I’m overly familiar with that smell) but it was enough to make you vomit. It was also still covered in blood. Isaac said that by the end of the day, it would be completely dismembered by the vultures and hyenas – bit like the Hannibal Lecters of the jungle.

We had breakfast Al Fresco and Isaac let us out of the car today!! Obviously we weren’t allowed to wander too far as there were Hippos’s and Buffalo in the area but it was a blessing to get out and stretch our legs.
As the engine was still hot from all our driving around, Isaac placed all the ‘what should be hot’ food on the engine to warm up. Sadly he did the same with the cereals, yogurts and fruit!!

After breakfast – we were off again. We watched a failed ‘kill’ This is when the lion spots a vulnerable animal, stalks it for a while and then goes in for the kill. It’s far more successful when there are two lions as they tend to have a strategy whereby they circle their prey and then go in for the kill. Fortunately for the Wart Hogs, there was only one lion who had failed to see that there were two Wart Hogs. When he started his breakfast run – both hogs shot off in different directions completely confusing the lion, as he didn’t know which one to go for. By the time he made a decision, it was too late – both were out of his reach. Relief all around as I didn’t really want to see a real life kill and Indy and I were cheering the Wart Hogs on whilst the girls were cheering the lion on.

We have become the Von Trap family of the Massai Mara – All ‘Lion King’ songs were sung on a daily basis, especially the Wart Hog song, followed by Jungle Book songs and any other animal song we could thing of which were relative.

Desperately needing to go to the toilet and not wanting to go Al Fresco style, it was time to head back – great relief to my bladder. I have decided that I’m not all that comfortable being one with nature especially after seeing the size of the bugs, ants and other nasty looking things hanging around in the grass.

Once back in our tents, bladder restored to its original size, it was time to have lunch, pack up and head to the airport.
The airport is a very small strip of land in the middle of nowhere with a couple of incy planes sitting on the dried mud which doubles as the runway. There are no customs, toilets or duty free shops (hahahaha). Our plane was already waiting for us (we were a bit late) and once again we were happy that everyone had a rucksack as our 5 overweight cases needed to go on + 6 pieces of hand luggage. It’s good that we travel light!

Sadly the Safari part of our holiday is now over. We have about 1200 pictures which we will try and condense and are giving you advance warning – look interested!!

We are now about to arrive in Malindi and then go to our hotel. This is the beach and fishing part of our holiday. We are all excited for different reasons and we sincerely hope that Indy manages to catch his elusive Marlin as we won’t be coming back next year…..

Until tomorrow (if the Somalians don’t get us first) – I bid you adieu

Lots of love – Happy Chunukah and toodle pip.

Anna x

Jumbo my little Hyenas –

Well, today is Jessie’s birthday and what an incredible day it has been.

We had our early morning wake up call at 4.30am….Jackson came in with our Hot Chocolate – every home should have a Jackson!! We had to be at the front door by 5.00 as it was time to go! Nothing like a restful relaxing holiday……

Isaac, bless him also had to get up early as he is our official driver and he had to drive….which was very fortunate as not only had it rained again last night making muddy bogs everywhere and flooding, it was pitch black but for the stars.

Electricity is a bit of a problem here – there are only certain times of the day when there is electricity. Between 6.00am and 10.30am, and 3.30 to 10.30pm….all very convenient considering we are up and out by 6.30am and back at 7.00pm. Only a small window of opportunity to charge up things and use the computer.
There is WIFI here as long as you are within about 2 yards of the main office so sending emails also isn’t that easy.

Its a bit like going back to nature and Jessie sings George of the Jungle frequently! (It’s a film if you dont know what it is)

If you want to leave your room for any reason once it’s dark, you have to wave your torch around and wait for a security guard as you are never too sure what is lurking around. Last night there were apparently 5 Hippo’s walking around the camp. If you are imagining nice Hippo’s wearing tutu’s like in Fantasia – think again! .These are big ugly prehistoric creatures…..not a tutu in sight. To give you an idea if there was a crocodile and a hippo having a fight – the hippo would win. A little know fact!

But I digress……………..

At 5.20 we arrived at our destination and had to cross the river in the pitch darkness….scary! Once we were on the other side of the river, our adventure began. We went on a Hot Air Balloon ride. The balloon held 16 people – which were divided up into 4 compartments. Jessie’s face was a picture….it said “I cant think of anything worse!” Apparently she is scared of heights! Who knew that…considering earlier this year she went sky diving and bungee jumping. I thought this would be a walk in the park for her! . To cut a long story short, we were briefed on how to land (that’s quite important) and off we went. Once up and running it was unbelievable. We saw Giraffes, Elephants, and anything else that was waking up looking for food. The balloon skimmed over the trees….bit scary but what a brilliant experience. Coming into land was so gentle that our earlier briefing turned out to be more of a “just in case” scenario. Once on dry land, we were met by jeeps who whisked us off to breakfast….in the middle of nowhere, amongst the animals.

Picture this – 16 people – all different nationalities siting in the middle of the Massai Mara on a long table with camping seats. Champagne was served- then followed by bacon, sausages, eggs, mushrooms, baked beans, croissants, danish , tea/coffee AND a pancake station…made to order!!! About 10 yards away, they had constructed a ladies toilet!! It looked like a toilet, did the same as a toilet but at the side there was a bucket of water….it was a self service toilet!! The Gents toilet was everywhere else! We had to be careful not to wander too far as before we had arrived, a leopard had been spotted!! (no pun intended!!)

When breakfast was over we went on another safari drive but this time we were on the other side of the river…. lots going on with crocogators, rhino’s and wart hogs…in addition to everyone else who is a regular in the Massai.

Then it was home time for lunch and a five minute siesta before it was time to go and visit a Massai village….what a shit hole that was. You have to pay $100 ($25 per head) entrance which goes to the chief of the village. That in turn goes towards the community to help for education, sanitation etc. Clearly it’s not used for sanitation as there are no toilets – other than the village! Goats roam freely around, as do sheep, baby cows, dogs and children. The village is built in a circle and the houses’s???? are built of mud and poo – they need renovating every 4 years. A typical house is two bedrooms. No need to worry about bathrooms as they dont use them. Not sure where the kitchen is either. There are no windows and if they want light, they use a plastic bottle filled with kerosene and shove a rag in the bottle and light it. If the smell of poo doesn’t kill you – there’s a good chance the kerosene will. Having sat in our guides house for 10 mins (Jessie wouldn’t sit down…she was just happy retching from the smell) we were given a tour of outside. Sadly for us it has been raining. My espadrills soaked up what was on the ground (didn’t want to ask what it was but could probably have a good guess) Having turned in a 360 degree angle we had seen the whole village – 42 ‘houses’ for 204 people and no toilet!! After that, we were led to the shops…..the shops consisted of rags lain on the floor with various serving spoons, carvings and jewellery laid out….all the women vying for you to buy their goods,,,,in the muck and shit seeping into your shoes!

I think the whole tour took us about 30 mins and then we were off. Now it was time to find the lions as it’s mating season and as you may recall we missed all the action the previous day.

We were in luck.. The lioness from yesterday had switched partners and found a new mate…..they were at it like rabbits. For those interested we have it on video – not a long film – about 20 secs in total. They rest for 5 mins and then are at it again…and again…and again. We left after 4 times deciding that she must be pregnant by now!

Exhausted from our early start and full day it was time to go back to the camp site – wet, cold with sneezy feet – just enough time to get ready for dinner. We are now down to two families (have I told you that already??) Us and the Americans with their travelling battery operated Menorah.

Our table had been decorated with Balloons, banners and an assortment of shiny stars on the table. When it came to dessert, the head chef came out and read some declaration that it was Jessie’s birthday and then all hell broke loose….all the hotel staff appeared, some in national dress, some in chefs whites and some just looking normal, banging spoons, forks, drums complete with guitar and flip flops (they use them as cymbals!) and so the festivities began. Everyone started dancing and singing – and so our party continued for about 30 mins with us and our new american friends joining in. I think they are a bit short on party games. The preferred Kenyan Massai game is jumping up in the air. Just jumping – nothing else. No bouncing as they dont bend their legs…just jumping! We mastered that one quite easily. There is also a song called Hakuna Matata – more of a chant really but we mastered the lyrics. Hakuma Matata ya ya ya,
Hakuna Matata ya ya ya….jump jump jump….bang on your spoons and repeat! The chorus is slightly more difficult…..Hakuna Matata, Hakuna Matata, Hakuna Matata…..then back to the verse.

Then it was bedtime as we had had a very long day and Jessie had definitely had a memorable birthday.

Until tomorrow – I bid you good night

Love

Anna

Jumbo –
Day two……more exciting that day one. We now know the routine…..almost natives!
Fortunately there are no Somalians near here as we are in the middle of nowhere – so no need to worry about paying the ransom

Jackson, the man who does, did. He arrived this morning at 6.00 with coffee and hot chocolate and a big smile…..we could tell as it was dark out and his teeth were very white!

At 6.30 we were off – Isaac was waiting for us complete with picnic hamper. First stop were the Giraffes.
I thought that they would have longer necks but apparently these are baby giraffes – still pretty big but I thought their heads would poke over the trees. Having taken 75 pictures of the three giraffes in different poses it was time to move on…………. Elephants. Our first Elephant train. It’s just like Dumbo…..all in a long line with the baby Elephants walking in and around their parents – truly a magnificent sight to see.

Next it was off to see the lions. One lioness and four lions. It’s also mating season. The Male lion picks the lady lion and then is overly protective of her until she conceives. They can copulate (is that rude??) up .
to 80 times a day (apparently)….poor lady lion…….we watched them for over two hours just in case we missed the action. Needless to say – nothing happened!! Isaac said that she may have already conceived as it would make her urine smell funny. (its a lion thing) Personally I think Jessie singing ‘The Lion sleeps tonight’, every song from The Lion King and a huge variety of whistles, sounds and banging of the side of the jeep didn’t help – but then what do I know. Maybe they just didn’t fancy each other!?

Then we saw Jackals (I think that’s what they are called….small fox type animals…quite nervous). Hyenas, quite manky looking and then it was off to see the Hippo’s. They are huge. Apparently Hippos live until about 18 – which is a lot in the Hippo community. They are also the stronger of animals between Hippo and Crocogator, which is good as I dont like Crocogators – however Crocogaators look pretty prehistoric – personally I think their only good use is handbags and shoes…….honestly – whatelse do they do???

Then it was lunch. We shared with the flies but today it wasn’t as bad (not great) as we ate undercover.

This afternoon we went in search of the Leopard, the Rhino and the Zebra. We found none of them. Instead we found more lions, wart hogs, impala (millions of them) toby’s – they are posh looking reindeer and buffalo. Once you’ve seen one buffalo, you’ve really seen them all. They all look exactly the same….ugly buggers!!

Buffalo are ugly looking black cows with horns – really not sure if they have a use?…..I was trying to be polite and say ‘hello’ to them when one bastard buffalo decided to charge at us!! Not good……..Needless to say, Isaac was definitely put to the test to see how fast he could get us out of Buffaloville. Obviously we made it out in one piece and then went off to see the Elephants and Hippo’s as they are on the way home. The temperature had dropped quite a bit – thank goodness for Ugg boots!!

DInner tonight was interesting – we are now down to two families…..us and the Americans. We had our own Chunukah service and I think that the hotel got Jessies’ birthday wrong. I have arranged all kinds of things for tomorrow but tonight there were festivities!! Bearing in mind there are only 9 of us left – the kitchen staff and the hotel staff came out and were dancing around our table banging various cooking implements and a pair of flip flops!! Of course we joined in as it would have been rude not to (as did the Americans) but no mention was made of Jessie!!! All will be revealed tomorrow!!

Now it’s bedtime as we have to be up at 4.30am…….you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out why!!!! Dun dun der…………

On that sweet note – I bid you farewell and good night.

Until tomorrow…………

Anna

ps – the highlight of my day…..I desperately needed to do a wee whilst out on safari. You’d thing someone would think to put a portaloo somewhere but alas NO!! I held it in as long as possible until I could no longer move and then told Isaac I had to go to the toilet. Bless him, he found a nice tree/bush combination!! Gave me two tissues and told me to pee in the bushes….natures way! Isaac is big on nature! Scary shit….not literally but woohooo -I am now one with nature! Thought I’d share that with you!! Good night xx

Day One – Kenya – Massai Mara

Jumbo hello in Kenyan – (see, I’ve been here less than a day and I’m already fluent!!)

The journey here was reasonably uneventful……the pilot knew the way and didn’t get lost so all good there.

Once we arrived in Nairobi we were met by a representative of the Safari company who drove us to the local airport to catch our flight to the Massai Mara. There were only 9 other passengers on the plane and unfortunately for them – Jessie was driving (the plane!!) Jessie is my other daughter.
No, she doesn’t have a license, No she has zero experience! and No she has never flown a plane but the driver who was french, took a fancying to her so she sat next to him in the drivers seat. After about 20 mins she was fast asleep!! Hope that’s not normal co-pilot behaviour!!

After about 45 mins we arrived. The other 9 passengers got off with their ruck sacks which enabled us to collect our 5 pieces of luggage!! Apparently you can only have 15kg’s of luggage per person……hahahahahahaha……..the shoes weigh more than that!! We had expected to pay the excess baggage but no one asked us….result!! We had 104 kg between us
.
We were met by our driver Isaac….very biblical especially at this time of the year! Isaac is married with 4 children – 8 downwards. He is Christian, doesn’t drink – and obviously doesn’t have a TV!

We arrived at Il Moran (the Safari camp) and were given a quick explanation of how everything works at the camp and then it was lunchtime.

Main rule…..Once it’s dark you are not allowed to walk around by yourself. There are no walls or boundaries in the Massai so it’s all animal territory. Sometimes at night the Hippos come up from the river and wander through the camp and it has been know for Crocagators and Elephants to have a nose around too.

You are however given a torch!! Useful against a Hippo.!……”Wait Hippo before you charge at me and eat me…let me get my torch!!” Obviously far better for him to see you!

Our rooms are tents!! Really nice and very different..complete with ensuite bathroom and toilet!!..At night you have to zip yourself in – remember those Hippos!!

In the morning your Bulter man (ours is called Jackson) will come in at 6.00am with tea/coffee as it’s time to get up as we have to be at the car by 6.30.- generally about the time the animals all wake up and are ready for breakfast.

Our first lunch we were assaulted by flies….millions of the buggers. In the end, we cut up our food into bite size pieces and ate it whilst the other hand was constantly waving the bloody flies away. Not very pleasant. Lunch was averagely ok, if not exhausting. and then it was time for an afternoon siesta.- well deserved from fighting off all the flies.

Our first Safari drive was due to start at 3.30 – we were on time! Isaac our driver was there waiting for us, complete with picnic basket of wine and beer just in case we got thirsty!

Today we saw Impalas (small deer) a cheetah, a lioness, a giraffe, water hogs, buffalo, mon gooses (or is that geese?) kori bustard (that’s a big bird type thing) hippos, hyenas and a crocogator – not bad for day one.

Once we got back to camp – it was shower time as dinner is served at 8.00pm. It gets dark here around 7.00ish. There are only 2 other families here (10 tents in all) – we have 2. A family from San Francisco have 2 rooms *
(tents) and the other family have 6 kids so I’m guessing they have 4 tents…. and no TV either!

Dinner was fine until the rains started!! All meals are eaten outside – so when the rain started it was just a small shower until it became a monsoon! An hour and a half later it is still monsooning! Fortunately our tents dont have holes in them but I have to say it’s very noisy with the rain banging on our tent! After 2″ fell it stopped!!

So, it’s 11.00pm now and I”m a bit tired now so I will bid you farewell until tomorrow when I will fill you in our next adventure!!

Toodle Pip, Good night….until tomorrow…….

Love

Anna x

Shalom………Manishma? (translated means Hello – How are you?)
Well, it’s nearly the end of our first day here.  Not quite what I was
expecting.
We arrived in Tel Aviv on Saturday at 5.00am and were taken to Jerusalem. Got here
about 6.30. The Hotel is OK and is located by the Dan and King Solomon
(for those of you in the know!). All quite modern!
We had breakfast around 7.00 – not particularly exciting.  No Hot
Chocolate because it was Sabbath.  No Eggs because it was Sabbath – in
fact no anything hot….because it was Sabbath so we settled for
cheese, some random salad with radishes and artichoke followed by
prunes (5 of them!)  Even the Orange Juice was from a carton – Not
fresh – it’s Sabbath!
After breakfast, we went back up to the room and Jamie (my daughter) had a nap whilst
I was watching Batman!! The Dark Knight – good film if you are a Batman
fan.  Now it’s about 10.00 and we have been up for hours but have lots
to get through today.  Off to Synagogue we went – The Great Synagogue,
Jerusalem. Not as strict as I thought it would be.  I had a dress on
which was just about on my knee and no one insisted that I had my head
covered.  The Synagogue is lovely and the choir exceptional.  We stayed for
the service and then went on to have kiddush. I’m feeling quite
religeous!! You would think that these people haven’t seen food for
about 10 days.  Talk about pile it high!! Some of the very religious
were even stock piling the pickled cucumber (in their hands!).  We
stayed for the brocha for wine (prayer) and then left – feeling very pleased
with ourselves.  A complete mixed bag of people…..from the Satin Coat
mob with the very big hats and ringlets to the non Jews coming to take
a look in their jeans and flip flops.  Lots of Shietals,(wigs) which kept us
amused for a while and then just us ordinary folk.  What was noticeable
though was that the women knew what they were doing, and
participated. (obviously in between talking – clearly a worldwide
tradition!)  Also there were a lot of very young women with children or
pregnant, presumably married??  They didn’t look older than 18!!
Clearly “Go Forth and Multiply” is taken at it’s word.
After Synagogue, we headed towards the old town and went to visit the Jaffa
Gate and the old part of the city.  The ‘Wall’ is much smaller than I
imagined it would be and again, was less of a religious experience than
I was expecting, although a very moving experience.  I couldn’t believe
some people were reading the notes that had been stuck in the wall?  Is
this common practise?  Having said that – if they don’t read them, who
is going to?
I have been offered 500 Camels for Jamie, which I declined.  The offer
was then upped and they tried to tempt me with the addition of a Donkey
and a Horse and offered me a monitary sum of money $10,000 plus the
camels!
Obviously such an offer has to be taken seriously and I have asked for
a little time to mull it over.  Currently, Jamie is fast asleep so
negotiations will resume tomorrow!  One of the considerations has to be
where would I put 500 Camels?
Tonight we are off to a restaurant called Foccacia and then it will be
an earlyish night as we are off to Masada and the Dead Sea tomorrow.
Happy Mothers Day – enjoy your evening
Until tomorrow – Shabbat Shalom

Anna

Sent: Sun, 14 Mar 2010 17:27
Subject: Day 2!

Shalom – Ma nish Ma?
(hope you are impressed….almost fluent now!)
Day 2 is nearly over and it has been an experience!
We started off at breakfast – not Shabbas anymore!! We were hopeful!!
(short lived)
Today I had a hot chocolate!!!  Then I had an omlette made with tomato,
cheese, onion and mushroom…..Hmmmmm…. I can hear your mouths
watering – but alas it sounded better than it tasted.  It was the
strangest omlette I have ever eaten.  Only one side was
cooked!! (despite it being flipped over) How do you do that?  The other
side was runny with egg white!  Having left that, I decided to have
toast – half with smoked salmon and half with pickled herring.  How can
that go wrong?  The toaster was some strange electrical contraption
that looked a bit like a trouser press crossed with a toasty maker –
needless to say, I couldn’t make it work so ended up with plain old
bread!!  The salmon half was sushi salmon – probably not the best thing
to have on toast but the herring was delicious!!!!  I can hardly wait
for tomorrow!!
We had to be in the lobby for 9.00 as we were going on a tour to Masada
and then onto the Dead Sea.  9.30 we are still sitting there…..9.40 I
am getting slightly annoyed and asked the reception to find out what
was going on.  They phoned the tour company who said that there was a
lot of traffic and they would be there within 15 minutes!  10.00am I am
really not happy – we have been sitting in the lobby for an hour!!
This time I phoned the tour company who was very apologetic and said
that the bus was at the Dan hotel and would be with us in one minute!!
10.10am this guy walks into the lobby and says “You Anna”? We both
nodded and followed him outside where we proceeded to go for a walk –
couldn’t see a bus anywhere!  The guy then gets into a taxi and tells
us to get in, which we do and there is another couple sitting in there
– (one in the front and one in the back).  The lady passenger informs
us that they have been waiting over an hour and in essence we have been
put in a cab as the tour bus forgot us!!  We were going to drive
somewhere and meet up with the Tour Bus.  Not sure where the traffic
and one minute away excuse came from but clearly none of it was true!
Finally after about 30 mins in the cab we pull into a petrol station in
the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the dessert and made the
exchange!!  It was like some clandestine meeting…..The bus was there
waiting for us.  Camels adorned the road side, sand gently blowing in
the wind…. (I am sure it all added to the atmostphere) Anyway, the
busman/tour guide came up with an even more bizarre story about someone
being on the wrong bus blah blah blah….not his fault……yada yada
yada……
So…off we went in search of Masada.  I really wanted to walk up but
was told I couldn’t!  The bus man/tour guide said that he had had
enough excitement for one day and was behind schedule so get in the
cable car.  We did!
Had a tour around the top of Masada which was very interesting and then
he told us that we would have a 30 minute break for lunch before
getting back on the bus to go to the Dead Sea.  I asked him if we
skipped lunch could we walk down.  A reasonably question one would
think?  NO he said!  He didn’t have insurance????  I told him I did but
he told me to get in the cable car!!  That was the end of my walk!  On
to the Dead Sea…..
Again not quite what I had imagined……
The changing facilities, toilets and showers are all in the same
place.  Very basic – infact more basic than very basic.  (and not too
clean either!)  Jamie and I got changed amid the people who had already
been in the sea.  Oh my G-d….what a sight!  All the women had their
bits hanging out and when I say bits hanging out, I do mean bits (and
pieces….and string…..!) horrifying!!!  Having got over the shock of
that we walked down to the sea and I went into the mineral mud hole to
get covered in mineral muck!  Jamie stayed out which was very fortunate
as I began sinking!! It’s like what I would imagine quick sand to be
like but the mud version.  I had to find my shoe as that had fallen
off and Jamie had to pull me out.  Thought they were going to have to
tie a rope around me and attach the other end to a car….I have seen
it in films!
Next..off to the Dead sea….quite extraordinary.  you can float on
either your stomach or back.  Obviously I had to taste it – wished I
hadn’t.  It’s worse than gargling with salt water – it’s quite
indescribable!!  After that, we went off to the Sulphur pool – 35
degree water – nice and warm but also very salty. (I had to try that
too!)
Unfortunately, Jamie has very sensitive skin – a delicate little flower
– and she came out of it looking like one giant big throbbing
red spot!!  Fortunately it has gone now but I was getting a little
worried there for a moment!!
Having finished that, we were back on the bus driving back to Jerusalem
when the bus driver/tour man announced that he was going to drop us off
at the Hyatt and we could get a cab back – he was going to Tel Aviv and
it was out of his way!!!!  We thought he was having a giraffe (laugh)
but no, he wasn’t!!!
We are now back in the hotel having a nice glass of chilled wine – well
and truly earnt!! I wonder what tomorrows tour will turn out to be?
Well, I have to go now as it’s time for me to have a shower before we
go out for supper.
Hope everyone is well.
Happy Mothers Day
Until tomorrow…..
Lila Tov (good night)

Anna x
Sent: Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:31
Subject: Day 3

Oy….Vat a day.

Started off just like the others – we were packed and ready to leave
the hotel by 9.00 (as instructed by the tour people) and had gone down
for the delightful breakfast by 8.15am.  This time, I was prepared for
the toaster…..Jamie knew how it worked!  Unfortunately though half of
my piece of bread stuck to the glass and only the sides got toasted so
I ended up with 3/4 of a piece of nearly toasted bread.  Decided to
have the Sushi Salmon and Pickled Herring again….mistake!  Clearly it
was yesterdays.  Herring was a little on the dry side but the
Salmon was ok (once I had cut off the brown bits!) I followed this by
3 radishes.
Can’t really go wrong with a radish! Jamie started off with scrambled
eggs, which resembled yellow water, so she went for an Omlette
instead.  The lady Omlette maker wasn’t there so she was in with a
chance of getting a decent egg! (which she did) Success!!
We are hoping that the breakfasts in the Dan are nicer (can’t really be
worse).
Brought our luggage down and sat patiently waiting for our tour guide
man to arrive.  We were assured that they would be collecting us at
9.00 so be ready!!  Not wanting to disappoint – we were.
9.10am came and went – 9.20 came and went 9.30 came and went and at
this point I decided to call the company who had arranged it to find
out what was going on!  I now have a new friend at Isram Israel –
Rachel (we are on first name terms now!!) Rachel assured me that they
were on their way stuck in traffic! Not that old excuse again!!!  I
pointed out to her that we had seen 7 other tour groups leave the hotel
and surely they had endured the same traffic??  Got her on that!!  Then
she proceeded to tell me that the President of Brazil was arriving in
town today so there would be even more traffic than usual!  Clearly
this wasn’t having the right effect on me so whilst she was on the
phone to me, she phoned Rent a Guide (that’s the tour people) and
started off calmly asking them in Hebrew what was going on.  I don’t
know what they said to her but she then started to go completely nuts!
She became a deranged lunatic, clearly high on LSD and perhaps even a
heroin overdose….the woman went completely berserk –
uncontrollably!!! For about a minute she was shouting which then
progressed to screaming to the extent of not really catching her
breathe….she then ended the conversation with the tour people and all
she was capable of saying to me was “they are on their way…bye” and
hung up!  She couldn’t string a sentence together after that!!!
About 10 minutes later (it’s now 9.50) reception shout over to me there
is a phone call – followed by you have another one waiting!! So
popular!!!
I answered the first one – it was Rachel – clearly more composed
now!!!  She informed me that the tour had now been cancelled and she
had arranged a private tour guide to collect us in 5 minutes!!! (yeah
right) – I didn’t ask her any questions….I know what happens when she
gets upset – just thanked her and said good bye.  Then the next phone
call was from Rent a Guide – they told me that they had arranged a
private tour guide for me and he would be there in 3 minutes!! Did I
have two tour guides coming or just the one????
About 5 mins later this old looking man came in the hotel and said “you
Anna”?  Gleefully I said yes and he told me that he was our tour guide
for the day but as it had been a bit of a rush job, he needed to do a
wee!  (Possible Prostrate problems!!)
Meir, that’s his name, looked about 103 – Simon Cowell trousers,
receding gums and spoke with a very thick Jewish/Israeli accent – a
grand father type figure but very sweet.  We thought that perhaps we
should put the bags in his mini bus just in case he had a heart
attack!!
So – now on our little bus, off we go!  Must have something to do with
age but if we spoke to him, he insisted on taking his foot off the
accelerator and turning round to talk to us, still driving!!  We
decided it was probably safer not to talk to him but he insisted on
talking to us and adjusted his front mirror so that he could see us
when he was telling us about historical sites!!!
First stop was Mount Olive – he proceeded to name drop and tell us all
the famous people buried there – instead of Mount Herztel cemetery
(which has most of the dignitaries)  – including Robert Maxwell.  I
though he fell overboard and wasn’t found but apparently not – he’s at
Mount Olive!  Also did you know that Mount Olive cemetery is the first
cemetery that the Messiah is going to visit when he comes???  Perhaps
worth booking a plot if you want to come back again….imagine how long
it’s going to take for Elijah to bring him to Waltham Abbey or
Bushey??  And then imagine that if everyone comes back from the dead –
as nice as that would be, where are they going to live?
After that we went to the old city to have a look around the Jewish
Quarter, the Wall, watched a Barmitzvah, visited King David’s tomb,
went upstairs to have a look at where Jesus had his last supper, went
to a small synagogue and then walked around the new Synagogue which
will be officially opened tonight – Synagogue Hurva.  It was originally
blown up in 1948 by the Jordanians and stayed destroyed until the old
city was recaptured in the 6 day war.  In 2005 reconstruction and
restoration began and tonight it will be officially opened!! 1st day of
Nissan 5770!!  It has a nice white dome – same height as the gold and
black ones used by the Mulsims and the grey one for the non Jewish
persuasion   I have pictures!!!!  I made a point of remembering all of
that because the name rhymes with Curava!!!  (poetic license!)
We left there and then went to Meah Shearim.  We were as welcome there
as a pork chop in a synagogue!!
Some of the younger men averted their faces,  a couple of younger boys,
around 16 – 18 said a few un pleasantries to our guide Meir and some of
the young boys (10 – 12) just spat on the floor….in the main, no one
was overly bothered about us being there but we did stick out a
bit….maybe!  As we were walking around, two very Chasidic men wearing
stripy coats stopped our guide and told him that we should perhaps go
in a different direction because if we carried on the way we were
heading, there was a posse waiting for us who were going to throw water
over us!  We changed direction!!  Have pictures of that too!!
Next stop Yad Vashem….saw all of the new museum, all the outside
memorials, including the hollow tree, which was shipped over from
Czechoslovakia,  all of the memorials, the new train exhibition,
statues etc…didn’t miss a thing! – The Childrens memorial was
particularly sad – and Yes – got pictures of that too!!
Tomorrow Yad Vashem is closed because the Pres of Brazil wants to have
a look around!!  Lucky we saw it today.
We left there at closing time and Meir (still breathing) drove us to
Ben Gurion airport, where we still are!  Our flight has been delayed an
hour.
So all that’s left for me tonight is to bid you a fond farewell – until
tomorrow – in Eilat!.
Lila Tov

Anna
Sent: Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:53
Subject: Day 4

Shalom from Eliat

We arrived here last night having been delayed over an hour but it
didn’t really matter as I was writing you a rather long email!!!!
Hotel is nice – the pool area is a bit like
Bedrock…..Flintstones????? Not that it mattered too much today as
having woken up at 6.00am it was quite overcast.  Not happy!
Breakfast……a huge selection – why would you want to eat a huge
selection of salads for breakfast???  but they do!  Pile their plates
so high – it’s as if they aren’t going to see food again. A bit like
the Last Breakfast!
Did Jesus have breakfast after supper????  Especially as it’s supposed
to be the most important meal of the day!
I asked for a cup of hot milk and the waiter/cleaner up guy told me to
go and get it myself!!!  Off to a good start!  However,  having had
young boys spit on the street the day before I figured that this was a
step up!!
Breakfast was fine – so was the herring plus onions….what a bonus.
If I thought that Barbados had a problem with birds flying down and
eating food from the tables (unoccupied for whatever reason)  then this
was like a scene from Alfred Hitchcocks ‘The Birds’!  These weren’t
pretty looking birdies, these were vultures and lots of the bastards!
We told one chap who was sitting by himself that in his absence the
birds had started on his breakfast and he moved to a different table.
No Thank you, in fact no nothing – just upped and left!  Tomorrow the
birds can do what they like – we’re not telling!  Infact we’re telling
all the birds that it’s a free vulture day – help themselves.
I’m not going away again with me – I think that I am jinxed!  I don’t
know what it is but wherever I have been this year, the weather has
been not very good.  I decided earlier today that obviously today was
the day that if I sat in the sun, it would potentially be a skin cancer
day and G-d was looking after me so he made it cloudy!  Unfortunately
he made the shopping crap!  There is nothing to buy here. I managed to
buy a bottle of Mango juice!  He obviously had a rethink by this
afternoon as by about 1.00 the sun came out so it was off to the beach
for us.
The beach isn’t very nice – quite stoney and not too much sand.  There
is a beach attendant (cant guarantee he’ll be there tomorrow) whom I
asked if we could get a drink.  He told me to get it myself – it’s only
over the way!!!  With that, I decided it was time to meet the Hotel
Manager!!!!  Is this a  5 star hotel or self service accommodation I
asked?  When we got back to our room, there was a nice bottle of wine
waiting for us and now they are falling over themselves to please.  I
wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Sadly this doesn’t do too much in the
reassuring stakes to Indy that Israel has changed!!!  Having said
that – I really do like it here!  Can’t explain why or what, but it’s
there.  Maybe I’m a closet Isreali???
Tonight we are going to a Japanese restaurant called Yakimono (maybe?)
I’m so hungry I would eat a sumo wrestler so with that in mind…….I
must go and get ready now.
Until tomorrow
Lila Tov
Anna

Sent: Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:47
Subject: Day 5

Sha – I feel I know you well enough!!

After our run in with the Manager yesterday, last night he sent us up a
bottle of wine….tres nice of him.
We went to the Queen of Sheba (Hilton) hotel for supper – to the
Japanese Restaurant.  I have to say that it was very good. Probably our
best meal so far.
After supper – came home – went to bed.  Yes, we are true party
animals!!
Breakfast was the same as yesterday – you can start to get a bit sick
and tired of the same stuff every morning, but what could they do
differently??  Kippers – that’s what!  I could really fancy Kippers.
Today however, they brought over my hot milk and even Jamie’s
coffee….no pointing in the general direction today!
Sun came out eventually about 11.00ish and was intermittently cloudy
and windy.  By 2.00pm it was mostly cloudy but we persevered…just in
case. (wrapped up in towels looking like Mummies)  Probably will come
home with flu!
We are now back in the room now – dinner isn’t booked until 9.00
(Chinese at the Royal Beach) – hang on there is a knock on our
door…..  We thought it was the towel lady – but No.  It is a waiter
with a trolley!  On the trolley are 2 x litre bottles of water, a box
of chocolates a bottle of wine in an ice bucket and this very nice
looking glass paint palette dish with 7 indentations (that would be for
different colours if it was a paint palette) filled with an assortment
of chocolates, truffles, florentines, macaroons, chocolate liqueurs and
chocolate nut things.  We told him that we hadn’t ordered it and he
said that it was a gift from the management!!  How nice!
Well, that’s about all for today – nothing more to report.
Until tomorrow……

Anna
Sent: Thu, 18 Mar 2010 18:36
Subject: Day 6

Greetings my little Jaffa Oranges – (not to be confused with cakes!)
Well, yesterday was short and today will be even shorter……………
Sun came out….hurray!!!
Sun went back in…..booo!!
Sun came out again and so on and so forth! A bit of an Hokey Kokey
day….
Breakfast – same as usual – still no kippers but the variety was less
than it has been in previous days.
Attitude still much the same though.
After breakfast, we braved it to the beach – took cardigans with us as
when the sun went in, it was a bit chilly.
Had late lunch – chicken shwarma (bit curryfied) and hot dogs – no bun,
no onions, obviously no cheese – just plain old frankfurters – skinny
ones at that.
No wine,flowers,chocolates etc today – makes me sad!!!! However we
still have a bottle in reserve as how much can we possibly get though
in one day?(and still stand)
Coming home tomorrow – so this is my last email.  I hope you have
enjoyed our trip as much as we have.
Until  next time- I bid you Shalom, Happy Pesach, have renewed respect
for Elijah – he’s the man….and Adieu
Lila Tov

Anna

Having visited Cairo & Alexandria – it of off to Sharm El Sheikh – this is the beachy part of our holiday – not much happening, other than sun sea and surf.  Plus a lot of wind……not the anal variety!

Last night we decided to stay in the hotel and go Italian – in an Egyptian environment!  Most pleasant.  There was a piano player, who clearly liked a bit of Disney and not much else happened other than a couple who appeared to be newly weds probably aren’t any more….married that is!  Not that we were eavesdropping (obviously we were) but she got up, he grabbed her arm, she sat down, she got up again, she stormed out – he followed…..nothing for the next 10 minutes.  They returned.  All appeared to be well until….she got up again, grabbed her bag, kissed him on the head – and walked out! Oh No! we thought……. He then wiped his eyes…..Oh No again…… I wanted to invite him to join us but Indy felt we didn’t need anymore pets!!!  The poor man sat there looking totally forlorn – signed the bill and left  That put a dampener on the rest of the meal – so having asked for the bill twice, waited 20 minutes still got nothing, we walked out.  Amazing how quickly the bill caught us up!!!

The day was hot and sunny so we were on the beach all day.  Indy went Snorkeling, ate a lot, played on the computer and that is as eventful as it gets……Maybe tonight something out of the ordinary may happen.

The TV is quite boring – lots of old programmes – none of the new stuff like ER, Desperate Housewives etc.  Instead we have Everyone loves Fatima, Eastcairo, Two and a Half Pharohs, to name but a few and the news programmes are very pro Arab – so we don’t watch them.

Well, like I said, not much happening – No one drowned today.- so I guess it was a good day in Sharm El Sheikh.

Hopefully something exciting may happen tomorrow, which obviously I shall report back.
Subject: Wednesday in The Sheikh

Date: Wednesday, 11 March, 2009, 22:57

So much has happened since we last spoke……

Last night we had dinner in the hotel Thai Fusion restaurant…..isn’t that a nice word…Fusion….What on earth does that mean.  Fusion?????  Anyway, the place wasn’t overly busy so the service was overly attentive.  It transpires that our Waiter, who could only be about 26 ish has TWO wives – as if one isn’t enough!!

The Arab world is very Male dominated…..Indy is referred to as Boss and I am decoration!!!

The waiter gave Indy the wine list and menu, and diidn’t even notice I was sitting there!!  He then referred to Indy as my Boss to which I replied….I don’t think so!!!  That was when we found out he had two wives….his Father has three!

The good bit about all these wives, is the first wife, gets to choose the following wives!!  Hhmmmmmm all kind of things spring to mind on that one!

This morning, Indy went Scuba diving and I sat reading my new book, which incidentally is called A prisoner at Birth – Jeffrey Archer – excellent!  I put plenty of suncream on but evidently it wasn’t enough….I look a bit like a beetroot! or a glow-worm! Hopefully by tomorrow it will have gone brown but it’s not my best look!

This afternoon we were collected from our hotel at 3.00 and were driven into The Sinai desert.  We have been Camel riding!  Egyptian camels have one hump only and apparently don’t spit, but you really don’t want to put that to the test……Camel gob really can’t be too healthy, considering the state of their teeth.

There were 22 people in total and everyone had their own Camel.  Mine was called Maradonna!  He also pee’d before I got on him – an oasis in the desert!  I didn’t think it was every going to stop.  He was like a faucet.  I call him He – but he could have been a She – how do you tell?

After our 30 minute trek to nowhere we arrived in the middle of nowhere.  It was a Bedouin camp.  Tents and carpets everywhere and a stone made wall Bar, approximately 4 foot high – how random. We then climbed a mountain – no protective gear, infact, no nothing…just a drop if you fell off!  The idea was to watch the Sunset, which apparently is supposed to be spectacular.  The problem was that we were later due to some people missing the coach and having to catch it up by Taxi.  We missed the Sunset and then had to get back down the Mountain!!  At the bottom, it was Toilet break time!  They do have toilets – they look like toitles, but not flushing ones.  You have to get in quick as you really don’t want to think about being the last one in!!  Outside there is a man with a bottle of water, who pours it over your hands – that’s considered very hygienic.   I on the other hand am traveling with Bacterial hand wash, Wet Wipes and Pampers Bottom Wipes (with Aloe Vera…of course!! Never leave the hotel without them!!!!)  I used the water as well as I didn’t want the man to think I wasn’t going to wash my hands – but in actual fact, I could have quite easily performed an operation, they were so clean!!

Next it was time to settle in to our Bedouin Camp.  Here I learnt to make Tortilla Wraps.  Very impressive.

The Bedouin camp was actually really cool.  Colourful woven mats all over the floor and big cushions everywhere – really quite comfortable.  It was a buffet style dinner – you lined up with your plastic plate and served yourself from giant shissels   By now it was getting dark and there are no street lights in the SInai, so really you had no idea what you were eating.  The rice was recognisable, as were the potatoes but who knew what was in them!!  The last shissel had chicken in it (maybe) and some beef thing, which was actually really nice…went back for seconds.  You were also given a Pepsi to wash it down with.  After dinner, our tour guide explained what the Bedouins were all about…they are nomads from other middle eastern countries, have no passports and no legal documentation –  they just live in the desert and more or less stick with themselves.  They finish school after primary school, as the children have to go out and earn a living to support the family –  making jewellery, hand crafts, begging etc.  They also have arranged marriages but the girl does actually have a say in it and a typical bedouin wedding can last up to 7 days worth of celebrations. Fortunately this is Bedouin style!

Then it was Sheesh/Negeela time.  For those of you not familiar with this ritual it’s like smoking a long pipe which is attached to a glass or metal looking ornate pot which has water in the bottom.  It’s not tobacco in the conventional sense – it’s all fruit.  They have 100’s of Negeela Bars here and the hotels have them for smoking after dinner.

After that, it was dancing time – Indy thought he was doing a cross between the Oakey Kokey and the Conga – everyone joined in – dancing to sitar type music in the dark with only the moon as light!

Then it was back on the coach and back to civilisation.

When we got back on the coach – there was a strange looking man sitting next to me  – With a GUN.Not any old gun but a machine gun!  He wasn’t on the coach with us when we went but he was now!!  I was a little concerned about this (actually, if the truth be known, I was a lot concerned by this, as it was only Indy and I who had seen the whacking great big gun sticking out of his back…. and as I was  texting a friend at the time, I asked her to let you know that if we all died, would she say Goodbye from us”

Fortunately – no one got that call!   He got off just before we got back on the main road!

Then it was onto Naamba Bay – this is where it all happens!  Bars, Restaurants, Clubs, Shopping, Casino’s – 100’s of them – everywhere.  Street upon street.  Somehow we managed to waste 3 1/2 hours there – not even eating and Yes, I had to buy more souvenirs just in case!!!  It’s all about the negotiations….nothing to do with the end product.

By now, exhaustion had set in – my legs were walking on their own and it was time to call it a night.

Now back in the hotel – Arsenal have won on penalties….unfortunately – and it’s time for bed.

For some strange reason, I think they have actually got the wrong room, our bed has been decorated with petals and hearts….very pretty but not sure why our bed???

Tomorrow is our last day – who knows what surprises there are in store for us…….

Bye for now.

Having owned this for a year – I have finally plucked up the courage to attempt to use it!! Be gentle with me!!

What follows next is an account of our travels –  almost like you are with us!!

Let me introduce myself – we are The Jones – Indy (that’s my husband) and Anna (that’s me).

We like to go on nice holidays and don’t pretend to be overly cultured – just the way we like it!  We have a certain criteria which needs to be met;  Sun, Sea, Scuba Diving, Snorkelling, a little Sightseeing (that’s the culture bit) and Eating!. As a bonus you get the ramblings of a lunatic included!!

These are our experiences and are for entertainment value only.

It’s just our opinion.